i want to talk about this "gay divide" that seems to be such a big issue in the gay community. normally i try to steer clear of any issue that has anything to do with homosexuality, but this one is different because it is an issue within the gay community. if you aren't clear on what i mean, then just keep reading; i'm sure you'll get the gist of what i am saying.

the gay divide is simply the rift between masculine and feminine gay guys. many masculine gay guys (myself included) have hard feelings (pun not intended) for feminine gay guys because the fems, in many cases, set the standard for how gay men are viewed, ie; flamboyant, girly, weak, bitchy, etc. masculine gays also usually do not want to be seen in public with feminine gays, for obvious reasons.

the feminine gay guys, i feel, don't really understand the masc gay's view of them because they are just being themselves (flamboyant, girly, etc) and they don't see anything wrong with it. it is true in most scenarios that feminine gay men take the brunt of the gay hate projected toward them on any given day because they are easily spotted and easily called out. feminine gays argue the point that they are stronger than masculine gays because they can be openly gay and proud and take the hate and stand tall, while masculine gays sort of hide from it.

being a masculine gay guy, i know first hand how the majority of masculine gays feel, but i can also sympathize with the feminine gay guys as well in their pursuit of individuality. while i don't make efforts to hide who i am, i certainly don't make any efforts to be a flaming homosexual; i just live my life. i do agree that feminine gays are projected as the gay stereotype, but i don't think that is necessarily a bad thing. it simply can't be helped. people are more prone to notice a feminine gay guy over a masculine gay guy, just as i am more prone to notice a clown over a politician (bad example, i know).

i feel like equal recognition should be given to both parties. that way, straight people would be able to see that not every homosexual man is going to parade around in a miniskirt and heels. being gay doesn't mean being a girl, it means having a physical attraction to the same sex.

now, my personal point of view. i feel lonely. i am stuck in an area where the only gay people you see are the ones that you can tell are gay just by looking at them. yeah, that is nice and all, but i can't say i am very attracted to feminine gays because i don't have anything in common with them outside of our shared sexuality. i am sure there are other masculine gays in my area, but really, masculine gays are petrified of coming out. i was, i still am. the only reason i did was because it was getting to the point where i couldn't mentally take the stress anymore. i am out to my family, very few friends, and the randoms that happen to read my facebook page. otherwise, if a girl asks me out (haha yeah right), i have to tell her i am gay. and believe me, i am scared out of my mind to do that. i know i said that i am open with who i am, and i am, but i am still scared of being that open.

long story short; the gay divide is bullshit, this post is bullshit, sexuality is bullshit, my life is bullshit and my pretentious, self-loathing attitude is bullshit.

top 5 to 10 bands...

this is lame, but i'm bored and doing everything i can in order to not have to write my english paper.

no particular order either.

1. afi; not really a fan of their post-sing the sorrow work, but i love them nonetheless.

2. converge; abrasive and kinetic (words taken straight from j. bannon's mouth).

3. crystal castles; just got into them. i like their style.

4. underoath; i write this with quite a bit of trepidation because i absolutely love "define the great line", but i can do without their other albums.

5. magrudergrind; i haven't ever heard a band quite like them. feel free to disagree.

6. minus the bear; nice jazzy rock.

7. botch; they spawned an entire army of cover bands.

8. coldplay; good to listen to when i feel down.

9. blink -182; seriously, who doesn't love blink-182?

10. thursday; they grew on me.

speak up, my ears are growing weary
as the light begins to breach the border,
while i lay here alone
and watch the waves crash over me.
their bittersweet salt in my mouth and eyes;
i'll take this sedative alone.
you deserve so much more than this, my friend.

missing children are crying.
you won't help them.
shame on you.

wear it like a badge.
you don't have the balls to pin one on.
see their tears?

shame on you.
shame shame shame
on you.

i derive a simple pleasure from looking at people. i live vicariously through others. you may say i'm ill, but i say i'm sick.

making bad decisions and playing pretend in real life all of my life. things don't start and things don't end. they are the products of the bricks you've put on my chest. the police won't know what to do with a doppelganger on the loose. we'll steal your sneakers and string them up on the power lines. we'll spit in your food. we'll push your kids down in the park. we'll unleash you dogs from your backyards. we don't care about how mad you are because we don't have to come forward. our chests are caving in, but we still grin our toothy grins and cry our crocodile tears.

i'm writing because i am jealous of your success. i know you deserve it, but i can do what you do better than you. you're armed with an impressive vocabulary. i'm armed with a whole lotta heart. i could say you doomed me from the start, but that's a lie on my part.

every person who missed their calling, i know where we're going; falling straight into mediocrity and hearts that were never whole to begin with. say hi to mom for me.